Friday, July 27, 2012

What to do, when you can't do anything right?

Some days I want to run away...I want to be a brand new person, with no responsibilities, no drama, just a spirit that's free to live life. It's not that my life really is all that bad, but who wants to constantly hear that they can't do ANYTHING right. Just because my way is not your way and your way is not my way, doesn't mean  that either of us does it the wrong way. At least that's the way it should be. Who wants to constantly be criticized about their actions. I don't feed my daughter right, I don't bond with her right, I don't have the right to have expectations for her relationships right, and I don't handle my relationships right.

I often view myself as an actively passive person but a passively abrupt person. The more I grow into myself the more that changes and the more bullshit I find myself in the midst of. I think I'm a little over tired of being uncomfortable, talked down to, fussed at, and pissed. I am a 22 year old woman, and now I belong to a child. I'm done taking whatever anyone feels like dishing to me. I'm done with being worried about making people mad or hurting someone elses' feelings. Those days are over! I'M WAY TOO OVER GROWN FOR THAT!
DEAR much do I love thee? More than anyone else in this world will ever know! You and I have a bond like no other, if only because you've heard what the beat of my heart sounds like from the inside. When you hear my voice, you look for me and when you sleep too long I look for you. It's unfair that my whole life has changed...I hate that more than anyone will ever know. I can't just hop in my car and go where ever I please. I can't just go to sleep because I'm tired. I can't ever for 18 years just do anything...My body has changed, my mind has changed, and even after 5 weeks I still feel at times pain... I feel alone in a world consumed with my mother, my sister, my nana, my mama, aunts, cousins, and your father. Because you are MY Responsibility. NO ONE Elses', MINE... And however unfair I feel that that is there are probably a good 4 people who would argue that I'm being irrationally ignorant.

Clearly I'm not happy, Clearly...but one day I will find my happiness, I am believing that!

It becomes strange when you've accepted the fact that your life is not going to be a certain way maybe someone has walked out of your life. You then began develop a new lifestyle, meet new people, try new things and then all of that changes. Someone walks back into your life but now you have to revisit the idea that your life will go back but at the same time it will forever change...

I love you Nemie and if I had to give up sleep, my life, my freedom to work, my freedom to hang with my friend, my freedom to just go anywhere without having to find a babysitter or calling to check if it's ok if I do whatever, my freedom altogether...Then, there is no one else I would have rather lost that for. You are truly my sunshine even when you're acting like a thunderstorm. I would walk fire coals for you, you are my heart!
(even though this whole section sounded like I was going in a different direction, lol)

But tell me what do you do, when you can't do anything right?


  1. you evaluate by who's standard are you "not doing things right" if that standard is YOURS...then by all means make adjustments. If those standards are from someone else...then you evaluate how much control you want them to have in YOUR life. Most of all pray about it and see where God wants you to be and go from there! Make you happy and make sounds decisions because from this day forth...those decisions now affect Emsley. You need to adopt a tougher skin and a stronger spine! There will ALWAYS be someone who knows how to live YOUR life better than YOU!!(at least they think so)

  2. Whoa, girlie... slow your roll. I don't even know you and I can tell you a dozen things that you do right just from reading your posts. I know you're smart and can be pretty gutsy when you need to be. Unfortunately, sometimes it's easier to be gutsy with people we hardly know than with those to whom we are close. I don't know who is telling you that you are doing something wrong, but I know that's the last thing a new mother EVER needs to hear. It's a time for people who want to be a positive role model of motherhood for you to look at the things you do and make a positive comment on the things you're doing great! If anyone is not on board with that, it's on them. Becoming a mom is a joyous time and it's stressful as hell. Surround yourself with people who lift you up in that, because it's hard enough without people getting slick out their mouths! If there is something about mommying with which you need help, I'll help. Just ask.

  3. Perhaps, I have gotten ahead of myself. But my frustrations have all but over taken me. I appreciate the help in advance as I anticipate I will need it. I am defiantly receptive to criticism but I think there is such thing as too much of it.