Some days I want to run away...I want to be a brand new person, with no responsibilities, no drama, just a spirit that's free to live life. It's not that my life really is all that bad, but who wants to constantly hear that they can't do ANYTHING right. Just because my way is not your way and your way is not my way, doesn't mean that either of us does it the wrong way. At least that's the way it should be. Who wants to constantly be criticized about their actions. I don't feed my daughter right, I don't bond with her right, I don't have the right to have expectations for her relationships right, and I don't handle my relationships right.
I often view myself as an actively passive person but a passively abrupt person. The more I grow into myself the more that changes and the more bullshit I find myself in the midst of. I think I'm a little over tired of being uncomfortable, talked down to, fussed at, and pissed. I am a 22 year old woman, and now I belong to a child. I'm done taking whatever anyone feels like dishing to me. I'm done with being worried about making people mad or hurting someone elses' feelings. Those days are over! I'M WAY TOO OVER GROWN FOR THAT!
DEAR EMSLEY...how much do I love thee? More than anyone else in this world will ever know! You and I have a bond like no other, if only because you've heard what the beat of my heart sounds like from the inside. When you hear my voice, you look for me and when you sleep too long I look for you. It's unfair that my whole life has changed...I hate that more than anyone will ever know. I can't just hop in my car and go where ever I please. I can't just go to sleep because I'm tired. I can't ever for 18 years just do anything...My body has changed, my mind has changed, and even after 5 weeks I still feel at times pain... I feel alone in a world consumed with my mother, my sister, my nana, my mama, aunts, cousins, and your father. Because you are MY Responsibility. NO ONE Elses', MINE... And however unfair I feel that that is there are probably a good 4 people who would argue that I'm being irrationally ignorant.
Clearly I'm not happy, Clearly...but one day I will find my happiness, I am believing that!
It becomes strange when you've accepted the fact that your life is not going to be a certain way maybe someone has walked out of your life. You then began develop a new lifestyle, meet new people, try new things and then all of that changes. Someone walks back into your life but now you have to revisit the idea that your life will go back but at the same time it will forever change...
I love you Nemie and if I had to give up sleep, my life, my freedom to work, my freedom to hang with my friend, my freedom to just go anywhere without having to find a babysitter or calling to check if it's ok if I do whatever, my freedom altogether...Then, there is no one else I would have rather lost that for. You are truly my sunshine even when you're acting like a thunderstorm. I would walk fire coals for you, you are my heart!
(even though this whole section sounded like I was going in a different direction, lol)
But tell me what do you do, when you can't do anything right?